IT Service Management from Hell

This piece of work claims to be politically incorrect, sexist and IT-centric. And it achieves all three. We recommend this book to you unreservedly if you wish to provide the worst possible practices to your customers. Be aware that most of the items raised as comic issues make uncomfortable reading, because we can all identify someone who really believes in them.

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Brian Johnson Paul Wilkinson Project managing ITSM from hell (implement ITIL that works!!) IT Service-bw-goed.xpd 17-05-2004 14:24 Pagina 1 Sejanus was a liar but so fine a general of lies that he knew how to marshal them into an alert and disciplined formation which would come off best in any skirmish with suspicions or any general engagement with the truth. Robert Graves from 'I, Claudius' IT Service-bw-goed.xpd 17-05-2004 14:24 Pagina 2 5 Thanks... In keeping with latest publishing traditions to thank everyone connected with a book, Brian and Paul wish to thank those featured in the following short list: Rudolf, Comet, Cupid, Vixen, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Donner and Blitzen, the Lone Ranger and Tonto, Silver and Scout, Happy, Dopey, Sneezy, Grumpy, Sleepy, Smelly, Fatty, Snotty, Wally, Bashful and Doc, Alex, Pippa, Sue, Jacqueline, Claudia, Kate and Naomi, Hugh Hefner, Earthworm Jim and Peter the puppy, Queen pulsating, bloated, festering, sweaty, malformed, pus-filled Slug-for-a-Butt, Psycrow, Evil the Cat, Professor Monkey for a Head, the Justice League of America, Eric and Erica, Mick McCarthy, Vic Halom, Peter Reid, Ian Porterfield, John Stewart, mam and dad, Paul's mum ( they're posh in his house) and dad, Dillon, the Men from UNCLE, Eric and Ernie, Mark van Onna, Bob the Killer Goldfish, Robert van Oirschot, Paddington, Michael Foot, Tony Benn, Theresa Hyphenated-Surname, Bob Stokoe, Colin, all Scottish Goalkeepers, James Stewart, Dalglish, Basil d'Oliveira, Frasier, Daphne, Niles, Martin, the gorgeous Ros and (especially) Maris, Sandra, Liz, Annelise, Geoff Boycott, Willie Donachie, Super Dave, Ivor Cutler, Roy Harper, Priscilla Queen of the Desert, George of the Jungle, Lassie, Rin Tin Tin, Tin-Tin, Tex Avery, Tom and Jerry, Champion the Wonder Horse, Skippy the Bush Kangaroo, Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick, Titch, Ginger, Posh, Scary, Sporty and Baby, John, Paul, George and Ringo, Johnny Ringo, the Ringo Kid, Wyatt Earp, Pans People, Legs and Co., John Carpenter, Johnny Rotten, Joe Strummer, Neil Young, Richard Thompson, Tom Waits, Ry Cooder, Mick, Keith, Charlie, Brian, Mick (the other one), Ronnie and Bill, Fred, Barney, Betty and Wilma, lots of names to make you think we are intellectuals such as Camus, Kierkegaard, Mies van der Rohe, Sartre and Eddie Murphy, Stacy and Leslie, Irene, Enid Blyton, Capt. W.E. Johns, , APM, PUG, GUP, GUPPY, PUPPY, SPAM and SMUG, SMERSH, THRUSH, BUSH and MUSH little doggies, Hush Puppies, Slush Puppies, Posh Slushies, Aspirin, Penicillin, Oxytocin, Wednesdays, Marilyn Monroe, Monica Lewinsky (no jokes, they'd just leave a bad taste in the mouth), Hans Ringnalda, Wellington, Boot, Marlon and Maisie, Wellington (the other one), Winston Churchill, Avon, Cally, Jenna, Blake (even if he was a bit wet), Gan, Vila, Zen, Orac, Servalan (phwoar) Einstein, Eisenstein, Frankenstein and Stein remover and last but not least, Kylie Minogue. IT Service-bw-goed.xpd 17-05-2004 14:24 Pagina 4 7 6 Contents Thanks... 5 Foreword 11 The cast of characters 13 1 Highlights and heroes in the history of project management 17 1.1 Project management - What is it? 19 1.2 Why do it? 22 1.3 Where it all began 24 1.4 Great moments in the history of project management 25 1.5 Heroes of project management 27 1.6 The frog that turned out to be a frog despite all the kissing 27 2 Risk management 29 2.1 Risk management - What it is 31 2.2 PRAM, PRAT, CRAMM and CRIB 31 2.3 Critical path analysis 32 3 Getting started, planning and other stuff 35 3.1 Doing nothing 37 3.2 Continuing to do nothing whilst looking like doing something 38 3.3 Managing the risk of being caught doing nothing 39 3.4 The business case 39 3.5 Phases of a project 40 3.6 Go/not even if I can marry Claudia Schiffer situations 45 3.7 Baling out 45 4 Graphs, GANTT charts and similar time wasting activities 47 4.1 Graphs and GANTT charts 49 4.2 Costs 49 4.3 Slush funds 50 4.4 PRINCE 2 50 5 Activities taking place 53 5.1 Estimating how bad things are 55 5.2 Troubleshooting (stealing other peoples ideas) 56 5.3 Manipulating results 56 5.4 Damage limitation 57 5.5 Lying through your teeth 58 5.6 Travelling in South America 58 Acknowledgements John Stewart and Frances Scarff at CCTA for their advice and assistance. Particular thanks to John who was forced to locate a second hand sense of humour for use while he reviewed this piece of work and whose smile muscles had to be surgically restructured before the review could begin. Thanks also to the First Aiders at CCTA who helped the authors after John had finished reading the acknowledgement. Brian Johnson Paul Wilkinson Concept & text: Brian Johnson and Paul Wilkinson Illustrations: Paul Wilkinson Making the illustrations funny: Brian Johnson Honorary Dutch Pervert: Ivo van Haren Coverdesign & prepress: DTPresto Design & Layout -Zeewolde-NL IT Service-bw-goed.xpd 17-05-2004 14:24 Pagina 6 9 8 14 Costs, benefits and possible problems 117 14.1 Costs 119 14.2 Benefits 120 14.3 Possible problems 121 14.4 And finally 122 Definitions, abbreviations and acronyms 123 6 Laughing in the face of failure and smacking the bottom of criticism 61 6.1 Report writing 63 6.2 Hard and soft benefits 64 6.3 Crying in public (the benefits) 64 7 NOT ITIL... 67 7.1 Introduction to ITIL and ITSM 69 7.2 Customers and Users 70 7.3 The intelligent customer function 72 7.4 Using consultants 73 8 Scoping the fightback 77 8.1 Sevice with a snarl 79 8.2 Arcane pleasures 80 9 The Help Desk from hell 83 9.1 Help Desks 85 9.2 Lightening the load 86 9.3 Training 87 9.4 Problem management 88 9.5 Incident classification and priority coding 88 9.6 Problem user record 89 9.7 Change management 90 10 Getting the IT infrastructure you want 91 10.1 The IS strategy 93 10.2 Scaring the pants off them 94 10.3 Blackmail 94 10.4 The components of the IS strategy 95 10.5 Measuring for performance 95 10.6 The Balanced Scorecard 95 10.7 Quality improvements 96 10.8 Risk management 97 11 Providing less with more 99 11.1 Managing resources 101 11.2 Misunderstanding customer needs 101 11.3 The services provided 102 11.4 Measuring customer satisfaction 102 11.5 Satisfaction measurement methodology 103 12 SLAs that work 107 12.1 Practising safe SLA's 109 12.2 Managing change 111 13 Capacity and cost management 113 13.1 Capacity management 115 13.2 Cost management 115 IT Service-bw-goed.xpd 17-05-2004 14:24 Pagina 8 11 10 Foreword 'We are all in the gutter, but some of us are so hammered we can see the stars.' I wrote that (it is a work in progress, I have to say) to illustrate the wit and ready repartee that epitomises the apocalyptic approach to ITSM redolent in this work. I tried Sado-Masochism when I was a bit younger and more supple, which is of course...what? ...not sado..? really?, oh, sorry. Start again. IT Service Management?? Of course it is. And project management?. OK. This piece of work claims to be politically incorrect, sexist and IT-centric. And it achieves all three. I recommend this book to you unreservedly if you wish to provide the worst possible services to your customers. Which is of course NOT the reason that Brian and Paul wrote this warped vision of project management and ITSM. Be aware, that most of the items raised as comic issues make uncomfortable reading, because we can all identify someone who really believes in them! I know them well enough to believe that they really ARE being ironic. Of course, I know Paul very well but best not to mention that before the trial. Oscar Wilde Reading Gaol IT Service-bw-goed.xpd 17-05-2004 14:24 Pagina 10 13 12 The cast of characters The Busines…