Toxic Positivity

A powerful guide to owning our emotions--even the difficult ones--in order to show up authentically in the world, from the popular therapist behind the Instagram account @sitwithwhit. Every day, we’re bombarded with pressure to be positive. From “good vibes only” and “life is good” memes, to endless reminders to “look on the bright side,” we’re constantly told that the key to happiness is silencing negativity wherever it crops up--in ourselves and in others. Even when faced with illness, loss, breakups, and other challenges, there’s little space for talking about our real feelings--and processing them so that we can feel better and move forward. But if non-stop positivity is the answer, why are so many of us anxious, depressed, and burned out? In this refreshingly honest guide, sought-after therapist Whitney Goodman shares the latest research along with everyday examples and client stories that reveal how damaging toxic positivity is to ourselves and our relationships, and presents simple ways to experience and work through difficult emotions. The result is more authenticity, connection, and growth--and ultimately, a path to showing up as you truly are.

Auteur
Whitney Goodman is the radically honest psychotherapist behind the popular Instagram account @sitwithwhit and owner of the Collaborative Counseling Center, a private therapy practice in Miami. She helps individuals and couples heal past wounds and create the life they’ve always wanted. Her work has been featured in dozens of publications and programs, including The New York Times, Teen Vogue, New York magazine, InStyle, and Good Morning America. Goodman lives in Miami with her husband and their two dogs, Luna and Charlie, and her son.

Résumé
A powerful guide to owning our emotions—even the difficult ones—in order to show up authentically in the world, from the popular therapist behind the Instagram account @sitwithwhit.

Every day, we’re bombarded with pressure to be positive. From “good vibes only” and “life is good” memes, to endless reminders to “look on the bright side,” we’re constantly told that the key to happiness is silencing negativity wherever it crops up—in ourselves and in others. Even when faced with illness, loss, breakups, and other challenges, there’s little space for talking about our real feelings—and processing them so that we can feel better and move forward.

But if non-stop positivity is the answer, why are so many of us anxious, depressed, and burned out?

In this refreshingly honest guide, sought-after therapist Whitney Goodman shares the latest research along with everyday examples and client stories that reveal how damaging toxic positivity is to ourselves and our relationships, and presents simple ways to experience and work through difficult emotions. The result is more authenticity, connection, and growth—and ultimately, a path to showing up as you truly are.

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Chapter One

 

What Is Toxic Positivity?

 

Imagine that you just lost your job. You're in full panic mode. Your mind is racing, and you have no idea what you're going to do next.

 

You decide to share this with a friend. They glance your way and smile. It looks like they are keying up to tell you something big. Could this be the validation you need right now? Maybe they know of a great job opportunity? You watch them fidget as they pull from the depths of their inner wisdom and say, "At least you have all this time off now! It could be so much worse. Think about how much you're going to learn from this."

 

Toxic positivity has officially entered the building.

 

You freeze and think, Are they even listening to me? Am I seriously supposed to be grateful that I just lost my job?

 

You're not sure where to go from here. You don't feel grateful, so how in the world are you supposed to respond? You were already stressed out, and now this conversation leaves you feeling totally misunderstood. So, you put aside your feelings and say, "Yeah, thanks."

 

Now you're not only jobless, but you also feel distant from your friend and ashamed that you can't just look on the bright side.

 

They're Just Trying to Help

 

Listen, this person probably has good intentions. What they said isn't false-you WILL have more time off now, and of course things could (always) be worse, and yes, you'll likely learn some lessons from the experience.

 

The problem is, you're not there yet. You're still worried and upset. You're scared. Your body and mind are in full crisis mode, and no platitude is going to change that. What you really need is support and space to sort through your feelings.

 

Toxic positivity is the advice we might technically want to integrate but are incapable of processing at the moment. Instead, it typically leaves us feeling silenced, judged, and misunderstood.

 

Sound familiar?

 

But Isn't Positivity Always a Good Thing?

 

You've probably experienced hundreds of interactions like this. You might be wondering: How can positivity possibly be toxic? That's a pretty strong word. Is it really that bad?

 

Honestly, positivity is such an integral part of our culture that it feels scary to challenge it. As I continue to research and write about positive thinking, I'm constantly worried about coming across as "negative" while discussing this topic. Every time I try to push back against the good vibes only culture, there are inevitably those people who are angry, shocked, and confused. Comments and messages flood my in-box: "How could positivity be toxic?! You've officially lost your mind."

 

I get it. It's a testament to our total devotion to positivity culture. We've been told that it's the key to happiness-and doctors, therapists, and leaders prescribe it regularly. It makes sense that you might question anyone who tells you otherwise. But behind closed doors, my clients, friends, and family have been telling me for years how much they despise the constant pressure to put a positive spin on everything. They're feeling disconnected from their peers who tell them "It'll all be OK" and to "Look on the bright side." They know this isn't working, and they're desperate for another way.

 

So before we get started, let's clear something up: positivity isn't all bad.

 

When used correctly, it's great. Experts agree that positive feelings like gratitude, contentment, optimism, and self-confidence can lengthen our lives and improve our health. Many of these claims are exaggerated, but there is value in positive thinking. People who report having more positive feelings are more likely to have a rich social life, to be more active, and to engage in more health-promoting behaviors. I think we can all agree that it is healthy to feel "positive" when it comes from a genuine place.

 

But somewhere along the way, we constructed this idea that being a "positive person" means you're a robot who has to see the good in literally everything. We force positivity on ourselves because society tells us to, and anything less is a personal failure. Negativity is seen as the enemy, and we chastise ourselves and the people around us when they succumb to it. If you're not positive, you're simply not trying hard enough. If you're not positive, you're a drag to be around.

 

Healthy positivity means making space for both reality and hope. Toxic positivity denies an emotion and forces us to suppress it. When we use toxic positivity, we are telling ourselves and others that this emotion shouldn't exist, it's wrong, and if we try just a little bit harder, we can eliminate it entirely.

 

I know people are tire…